More Ways to Soothe: Rethinking Sleep Associations
What Is Your Baby Really Asking For?
A parent asked me recently, “How do I know if my baby is waking because they're hungry or if they need something else?” I loved this question. It's one of the most common ones I hear, and if you've asked yourself the same thing at 2am, you're definitely not alone. It's also one of the hardest to answer with a simple rule, because there isn't a one-size-fits-all checklist for this. Underneath it is a bigger question about what your baby actually needs to feel calm and supported, and that's where I want to start.
Your baby’s sleep is influenced by several things working together: their internal body clock or circadian rhythm, sleep pressure, and nervous system regulation.
When parents are experiencing challenges with their child's sleep, they often focus specifically on timing of routines, wake windows, and sleep pressure. These things are important and can be helpful, but they're missing one equally important piece: nervous system regulation.
As humans, our nervous systems help us respond to what's happening around us and adjust how alert, active, or relaxed we are. Sometimes we need to be very alert and ready to respond; other times, we need to shift toward a quieter, more relaxed state that supports rest and sleep.
But for babies and young children, this is still developing, so they often rely on us to help them regulate. As adults with much more mature nervous systems, we can support them through things like feeding, touch, movement, connection, and our presence.
When it comes to sleep, we're generally looking for that shift toward a more relaxed, less activated state. This doesn't mean your child needs to be perfectly still, quiet, or even completely calm. They may move, vocalize, and need support as their body winds down and becomes ready for sleep.
Build Your Soothing Toolbox
In the early weeks and months of life, suckling and feeding aren't just about nutrition. Feeding provides comfort, closeness, and connection, and can also provide powerful sensory and physiological regulation for a young baby. So when they settle at the breast or bottle, it's not a "bad habit" or a workaround. It's their bodies functioning exactly as they've been biologically designed. Feeding and close contact are really the first tools in any parent's "soothing toolbox," and they work well for a reason.
Throughout the first year, that toolbox expands a lot. As your baby's nervous system gradually matures, your face, voice, and touch all become more significant soothing and comforting tools. They don't necessarily replace feeding altogether, but they provide greater support alongside it.
If you're a partner or caregiver who isn't feeding your baby, your voice, touch, and presence are just as real a part of that toolbox from the very beginning. You're not standing on the sidelines waiting for feeding to be done. You're building your own set of tools your baby will come to know and trust.
More Tools, Not Fewer
So, if you’re considering what it might look like to gradually reduce feeding overnight, it can be incredibly helpful to actively introduce and layer in several different types of soothing techniques early on. This allows you and your child to have other reliable, genuinely comforting soothing supports in place, so that you can more easily make changes to feeding or other means of soothing that have begun to feel unsustainable.
I understand that this is likely a very different message from what you may be hearing through social media. Parents are often told to completely avoid or break as many "sleep associations" or soothing supports as possible, in the hopes that their child won't become reliant on them.
But when we recognize that babies rely heavily on responsive caregiving and co-regulation, and that the level of support needed will be very different for each child based on their own inherent biology and unique temperament, it really turns this advice on its head. Some babies settle after just a few minutes of rocking or feeding. Others need much longer, more repetition, or more than one soothing tool combined, and that's not a sign that anything is wrong. It's simply who they are.
Picture that soothing toolbox. When you’re told to avoid, remove, or break all sleep associations, you’re essentially being told to open up that toolbox and throw away all of your most reliable soothing and support tools, the very tools actively protecting your child’s sleep and your own.
There's research behind other approaches to sleep associations as well. My approach draws on a different body of research, one centered on nervous system regulation and responsive caregiving, and it's the one I've found most supportive for creating meaningful, lasting change for the families I work with.
Learning Your Baby’s Cues
In my personal opinion, it would be much more supportive of your family's sleep and sanity to encourage you to consistently build in as many varied soothing supports as possible. This allows you to maximize the tools, techniques, and supports available to you, so that when you do choose to make changes to something like feeding, you’ll have several alternative options already in place to support your child's regulation, as well as everyone's sleep, rather than facing the challenge with an empty toolbox.
At times, it can be extremely tricky for a parent to determine their child's specific need in the moment. You might be asking, “Are they actually hungry, or are they just needing support to fall back to sleep?"
And this can be tricky for a lot of reasons. Your baby may be brand new, and you may still be learning the meaning behind their cues and communication. Your baby may have mixed cues rather than very distinct or clear ones. Your baby may not have very strong cues at all, or they may be a baby who simply leaps from zero to a hundred instantly with no warning.
Pause, Get Curious, Respond
In cases like these, I really like to encourage parents to take a short pause. Not to set a timer, not to ignore, and not to withhold response, but to insert a moment of real intention.
This pause is an opportunity to actively listen and become curious about what your child is communicating, so you can learn more about them and respond more accurately to what they need. It’s also a wonderful opportunity to regulate yourself, take a deep breath, relax your muscles, and remind yourself, “This isn’t an emergency,” so you can better co-regulate with your child.
And the truth is that sometimes this takes quite a bit of experimenting, trial and error, and getting to know your child over time. You won't always get it right, and you don't have to. Every response is another opportunity to learn more about what your child is communicating and what helps them feel supported.
The more familiar you become with your child's cues and communication, the more confident you can feel in responding to what they need. And over time, that familiarity can help you respond more quickly and confidently, which can make those nighttime moments feel a little easier for everyone.
You’re Learning Each Other
And this is genuinely something you'll continue learning throughout your child's early years. They're always growing, changing, and communicating in new ways, which means their needs and cues will change too.
So, if you're in those early weeks and months and you're still learning your baby's cues and communication, you're not behind. There is no expectation that you should have it all figured out yet. You're getting to know each other, and that takes time.
Your baby's internal body clock, or circadian rhythm, is also developing throughout these early months. Things like daytime light, nighttime darkness, routines, caregiving patterns, and feeding all provide cues that help your baby begin to make sense of day and night.
It’s Okay To Do What Works
I want to help take some of the pressure off and remind you that, especially on hard nights, it's okay to do what feels easiest or fastest to get everyone back to sleep, whether that's feeding, rocking, holding, or reaching for any other tool in your toolbox. All of it is biologically normal, and all of it can be a powerful source of comfort and regulation for your baby.
So whatever support tool your baby needs tonight, it's okay to reach for it. You don't have to solve every wake-up perfectly. You're learning your baby, your baby is learning you, and together you're figuring out what they need.
And if you're feeling stuck, exhausted, or unsure where to start, you don't have to figure it out completely on your own. That's exactly what I'm here to help with.
About The Author
Court Wright is a Certified Family Sleep Coach and the founder of Kind and Rested, a sleep coaching practice supporting families across the US with a holistic, evidence-informed approach to early childhood and family sleep.
References
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